I didn't realise I was wasting my time
Through dreams of self-assurance
I thought things would turn out fine
I didn't understand I was just digging a hole
And that every shoveled heap was a piece of my soul
Or maybe in reality I still don't know me
And this confidence and charisma was an attempt at being free
I still lack direction despite my future looking bright
But it seems the brighter the end of the tunnel
The less the end is in sight
So I'm trying to find some shade that I might figure out my head
But it's hard to find morale in a heart made of lead
So my head's in the clouds and my heart's on the floor
And I can still hear eternity kn
I always felt like I was king of the castle
Being insecure was just too much of a hassle
I wonder all the time if this life is gonna last long
And I wanna write each song as if it was the last one
I wouldn't mind if I died, in a funny way
But I'd give it up to live and see a sunny day
And giving up death doesn't seem like a sacrifice
But giving up life would just be fucking bad advice
I'm still finding out just what I've got to live for
And every day makes living seem worth more and more
I'm not afraid of death anymore
But I'm getting more accustomed to feeling a little insecure
Why do you seem so far away?
We used to see each other every day
Even when we had nothing to say
We always seemed to find a way
And now I find myself missing your face
I try to text, but always reply too late
So I just sit in the darkness with the guilt and hate
I don't feel like talking in any case
My smokey mouth puts words to waste
So much that I wish my tongue could convey
Though the heart may be willing, the mind is too baked
I don't know if it's your call my name
But I know that you're close; I'm the one who's far away
You're lying next to me and I know that if I pass out
Neither of us will remember this in the morning
And I needed to share that with the both of you
Because no one else would understand the music calling
I don't feel alive until I'm bargaining with death
And you'll be lucky if it's alcohol you're smelling on my breath
My throat's been fucked for weeks and I can't feel my back
The price you pay for making each weekend the best you ever had
Some people say that happiness is having no regrets
But if Monday wasn't fucked then you'd have nothing to compare it against
And the city wakes up this morning overcast, humid and hungover
It's past nine
When I wrote this song
I stayed up late alone
It's not about you
Unless you want it to
Though it might not be the truth
The lessons of my youth,
I'll take them to my grave
'Cause I feel like shit
And this is my limit
And every choice I make
Is keeping me awake
The lost look in your eyes
Has helped me realise
That you've found faults in my disguise
It's a simple update
That I have seen so late
And now you're all grown up
The girl I used to love
And I just can't believe
That I couldn't see
The girl that you're supposed to be
It's not like it matters now
I've found my peace somehow
And I'm just glad to know
That you're not alone
And after all
I'm the reason that I missed all your calls
And I never really missed you at all
You know it's my trademark to run and hide
But I'm sorry I never told you goodbye
There are things I never said that you shouldn't know
There are times when I should have left but didn't go
It's not like I didn't think; I just didn't care
I had my reasons, but that doesn't make it fair
You said I had to cremate you with your vinyl
Despite believing that living is futile and death is final
You told me that no one but me could understand
I lay there wishing someone else was holding your hand
But not because I didn't want to be involved
Before staying with you, I
I'm walking past the housos
With sweat dripping from my face
And blood running down my leg
But I can't feel a thing
Save the warmth of the hand of a friend
This suburb is changing, inflating
Dying of a heart filled to bursting
But it really lost its soul
The day they knocked down that house
We're losing each other
Trying to find ourselves
Before the light of our hometown
Goes out
I always thought these alleyways
And street lights would see my best days
Instead I've managed to walk these roads
In a whole heap of messy ways
Never thought I'd leave this place
I thought I'd stay here till I died
But now, torn, alone and struggling
My home leave
Helping you feel this way
Doesn't make me feel that much
Better about myself
But I'm lost in this melody
And I can feel you holding on to me
So, for the first time in a long time,
Oh well!
I'm looking for a sign
'Cause this feels like betrayal
But I kinda hope the message
Got lost in the mail
More and more I find myself
Lost in your bed
And your face won't get out of my head
You've got such an obsession
With this chord progression
And I've been using this music
To get your attention
I really wish you hadn't mentioned
This personal tension
That's tearing us apart
I've been trying to work out
What goes on in your head
But your angle's so elu
Hello, hello Sundays
Hello, hello friends
Hello precious memories
Hello once again
And if I can't be with you
Just know I miss your face
I miss your gorgeous voice
I miss your warm embrace
I miss watching the sunrise
The brown and gold in your eyes
And it sounds suspiciously like
I think I'm falling in love with the good times
Goodbye, goodbye feelings
Goodbye, goodbye taste
The air is swirling ashes
Falling at a leisurely pace
A season of safety in sunlight
Never put to waste
When sleep is for the weak
Save it for another day
I miss watching the sunrise
The brown and gold in your eyes
And it sounds suspiciously like
I think I'm falling in
I didn't realise I was wasting my time
Through dreams of self-assurance
I thought things would turn out fine
I didn't understand I was just digging a hole
And that every shoveled heap was a piece of my soul
Or maybe in reality I still don't know me
And this confidence and charisma was an attempt at being free
I still lack direction despite my future looking bright
But it seems the brighter the end of the tunnel
The less the end is in sight
So I'm trying to find some shade that I might figure out my head
But it's hard to find morale in a heart made of lead
So my head's in the clouds and my heart's on the floor
And I can still hear eternity kn
I always felt like I was king of the castle
Being insecure was just too much of a hassle
I wonder all the time if this life is gonna last long
And I wanna write each song as if it was the last one
I wouldn't mind if I died, in a funny way
But I'd give it up to live and see a sunny day
And giving up death doesn't seem like a sacrifice
But giving up life would just be fucking bad advice
I'm still finding out just what I've got to live for
And every day makes living seem worth more and more
I'm not afraid of death anymore
But I'm getting more accustomed to feeling a little insecure
Why do you seem so far away?
We used to see each other every day
Even when we had nothing to say
We always seemed to find a way
And now I find myself missing your face
I try to text, but always reply too late
So I just sit in the darkness with the guilt and hate
I don't feel like talking in any case
My smokey mouth puts words to waste
So much that I wish my tongue could convey
Though the heart may be willing, the mind is too baked
I don't know if it's your call my name
But I know that you're close; I'm the one who's far away
You're lying next to me and I know that if I pass out
Neither of us will remember this in the morning
And I needed to share that with the both of you
Because no one else would understand the music calling
I don't feel alive until I'm bargaining with death
And you'll be lucky if it's alcohol you're smelling on my breath
My throat's been fucked for weeks and I can't feel my back
The price you pay for making each weekend the best you ever had
Some people say that happiness is having no regrets
But if Monday wasn't fucked then you'd have nothing to compare it against
And the city wakes up this morning overcast, humid and hungover
It's past nine
When I wrote this song
I stayed up late alone
It's not about you
Unless you want it to
Though it might not be the truth
The lessons of my youth,
I'll take them to my grave
'Cause I feel like shit
And this is my limit
And every choice I make
Is keeping me awake
The lost look in your eyes
Has helped me realise
That you've found faults in my disguise
It's a simple update
That I have seen so late
And now you're all grown up
The girl I used to love
And I just can't believe
That I couldn't see
The girl that you're supposed to be
It's not like it matters now
I've found my peace somehow
And I'm just glad to know
That you're not alone
And after all
I'm the reason that I missed all your calls
And I never really missed you at all
You know it's my trademark to run and hide
But I'm sorry I never told you goodbye
There are things I never said that you shouldn't know
There are times when I should have left but didn't go
It's not like I didn't think; I just didn't care
I had my reasons, but that doesn't make it fair
You said I had to cremate you with your vinyl
Despite believing that living is futile and death is final
You told me that no one but me could understand
I lay there wishing someone else was holding your hand
But not because I didn't want to be involved
Before staying with you, I
I'm walking past the housos
With sweat dripping from my face
And blood running down my leg
But I can't feel a thing
Save the warmth of the hand of a friend
This suburb is changing, inflating
Dying of a heart filled to bursting
But it really lost its soul
The day they knocked down that house
We're losing each other
Trying to find ourselves
Before the light of our hometown
Goes out
I always thought these alleyways
And street lights would see my best days
Instead I've managed to walk these roads
In a whole heap of messy ways
Never thought I'd leave this place
I thought I'd stay here till I died
But now, torn, alone and struggling
My home leave
Helping you feel this way
Doesn't make me feel that much
Better about myself
But I'm lost in this melody
And I can feel you holding on to me
So, for the first time in a long time,
Oh well!
I'm looking for a sign
'Cause this feels like betrayal
But I kinda hope the message
Got lost in the mail
More and more I find myself
Lost in your bed
And your face won't get out of my head
You've got such an obsession
With this chord progression
And I've been using this music
To get your attention
I really wish you hadn't mentioned
This personal tension
That's tearing us apart
I've been trying to work out
What goes on in your head
But your angle's so elu
Lessons of Summer (2017) by rebel-brat, literature
Literature
Lessons of Summer (2017)
Summer. 2010.
Bright sunshine, humidity: high,
long commutes through airports,
busy people, busy lines,
always a plane ride away.
You used to tell me “Things Change”,
capitalized, like the list you kept internalized
all the memories we’d make, ticked off,
one by one. “Best girlfriend ever”, the first
changes you. Defines you. You gave me
Summer and words and long, languid kisses.
Long nights spent alone, waiting
tamping down the empty, tamping down the lonely.
I walked museums for hours,
passing the time while you pledged your fraternity,
while you went to class, while you did “Things”
always expec
Love and Other Metaphors by rebel-brat, literature
Literature
Love and Other Metaphors
I have started journals with
“I met someone”, decorated in tears,
ersatz heartbreak the colour of blue
painted his eyes in Van Gogh starry nights
and chased highs to forget the blows.
I have tasted champagne on his lips,
strawberry tart and regret bitter,
strange emptiness that spreads
through all the crevices he touched
and all the un-nameable places
where Sadness has parked.
I have started poems with “I think I’m in love”,
spelt with flowery language and rhyming couplets,
pantomiming at relationships, flourished
and embellished by checklists, one, two, three,
fall.
fall, fall, fallen. Before I really knew
Lo
To the boy scribbling manic in the back of the bar:
I used to live for your words until I realized
Your words couldn’t save me.
They can barely save you.
I wanted to write out the frenzied panic
That we might refine our camaraderie
But the panic remains entangled.
Long distance wires that criss and cross,
Cigarettes that blaze long into night,
Floating within me, warm like whiskey.
To the stranger in the back of the bus:
I used to read for you.
With your manic ramblings and your torn soul,
Pulling me into your symphony.
You embodied wild curls and passion,
Bright lights fizzling into brighter mornings,
And I wanted to love you, so
i want you to get together by rebel-brat, literature
Literature
i want you to get together
he grooves to a beat
i cannot resist
with steps
i cannot keep up with.
i think back to the rooftop views
two kids on top of a dome
where we shared a universe
back when i was whole
he moves in a language
suffocatingly sexy
speaking in tongues i
cannot understand
and he's st germain
while i'm tom waits
irreparably incomprehensible
impossible
but here i sit aching
because i speak in riddles
he cannot comprehend
with touches designed
to beguile and entice
but with each smile i back away
leaving a trail of
confusion in wake
but the truth i embrace
is one that's been coming
the tides of time keep
dragging
he grooves to a rhythm
that's faste
i'm so tired
of the same vacant stares
loving blindly
without reason
and i'm aware
(trust me, i am)
what love should be
but i'm so tired
of the same vapid lines
spewed out because
maybe love isn't supposed to be
tormented souls and torrential tears;
i get it.
i'm trying to get it.
but the tiredness aches because
i was so invested
and i'm tired of being involved
one sided and caring
i want someone to relieve me
of the burdens that come from
trying too hard
and i'm aware
of these two way streets
and smouldering stares;
shrugging you closer
but it's more than i can bear
and i'm tired
of these dreams
reaching
endlessly reaching for something
this is not a love poem
rather,
a quiet reminder
scribbled in the spaces
between dreams and waking
that the reasons I love you
are still inked on my skin.
my heart has four chambers -
one of them is probably a radio station.
love songs don't come as easily
as anthem rock and afternoon blues,
but transatlantic static never stopped my poetry.
humans aren't quite made for long drives, we like
pit stops and motels clean as they come,
and switching in between stations
but once in a while we like to make road trips
to that place where the crickets can sing.
and in these moments I remember
that screaming at satellites
only brings me back to ech
i hope it was drama-free enough for you
as i left, all smiles and waves
saying goodbye even as i saw you kiss my friend.
last night i remembered
the roar of your passion the night i surrendered;
and our first date is a surreal memory
replaced by twisted barbs
and i hope i was quiet enough for you
each time i breezed by,
quietly ignoring your memory
like you'd never traced the planes of me with your digits
like i'd never seen you tremble
like we'd never tasted the tongues that yelled those words.
i could never go back to that time again,
but it was a round about.
seeing you in the room you asked me out.
and i was aware of you
as you knew i
for a long time, we were middl by rebel-brat, literature
Literature
for a long time, we were middl
for a long time, we were middles.
winter leaves
with piteous cries
and the leaves rustle
with the hope of leaving.
september passed
in a haze of
absolut lust
and i grew used
to the southern comfort.
vancouver beckons
with his Burton tees
and i stole his smile;
the way he stole my heart.
you wrote cliches
that weren't cliches once
two times
upon a train
and i took my greyhound
with a video camera
imagining that this
was what you saw.
life happens
and truth creeps in
and we lived the middles
we couldn't write
ran out of words
a long time back
and i can't be her anymore.
stuck. stolen. saved.
and you say
it feels like a conclusion...
f
I'm the reason that I missed all your calls
And I never really missed you at all
You know it's my trademark to run and hide
But I'm sorry I never told you goodbye
There are things I never said that you shouldn't know
There are times when I should have left but didn't go
It's not like I didn't think; I just didn't care
I had my reasons, but that doesn't make it fair
You said I had to cremate you with your vinyl
Despite believing that living is futile and death is final
You told me that no one but me could understand
I lay there wishing someone else was holding your hand
But not because I didn't want to be involved
Before staying with you, I
Current Residence: Sydney Favourite genre of music: Rock n' roll, metal, ska. Indie Favourite photographer: Rowan McGarry (Pyratn) Favourite style of art: Street Operating System: Linux MP3 player of choice: ipod nano Personal Quote: I don't like air!
Favourite Visual Artist
Above1 LCA (Surrey BC)/MC ESCHER
Favourite Movies
Lords of Dog Town
Favourite Bands / Musical Artists
Yves Klein Blue
Favourite Writers
hmm Steven Tyler?
Tools of the Trade
Pen, paper, multi-million dollar contract (maybe one day)
This is yet another pledge to be around more often. I've spent a day in my bedroom reading and writing, catching up and so on. I love it on here. I think I need to spend more time alone.
I feel refreshed.
I finally live in a house that has a phone line - and we finally got it connected. In the next few days I'll be uploading at least part of what I missed out on uploading over the last two years.
I hope everyone is well. I also hope more than Charlotte will read this. Let me know if you did, I'd love to catch up :)
Take it easy.
I've uploaded a couple of pieces, I have a few more to come. They're mostly songs for the moment, because, honestly, that's what I'm most passionate about.
I've cleared my head a bit, so I think I'll be posting more regularly soon. Take it easy :)